Christmas is the happiest and hardest time of the year for us. We enjoy the lights, decorations, tree ornaments, baking yummy treats and good food, watching Christmas movies and feeling the spirit of kindness and love in the air. For the past eight to ten years, our children have picked out new toys or books and donated the items to Toys for Tots. After all, it better than to give than to receive. We also wanted to teach them what Christlike love feels like. The children have always enjoyed this and it is usually a special part of our Christmas season.
Sometimes it is hard to feel the Christmas spirit when commercialism takes over. The commercialism of having to buy everything under the sun for everyone that I know is so ridiculous. Society somehow bribes us into thinking that we need it all. I've seen reports in the news that the "average consumer" spends between $800.00 and $1500.00 for Christmas. In reality, they're putting it on their credit cards and paying it off with interest - which amounts to more than the original intended amount to be spent on Christmas. I know that in my circle of middle class friends, none of us are that extreme. We all have families with more that three children and most of the women have part time jobs that work around their husband's fulltime job as well as their families.
Last year, when our poverty seemed to begin, there was no money for Christmas. In fact, our 14, 9 and 4 year old children were told this. We explained that we were blessed to have a warm home and food on the table. We also had our health. (This was also important blessing, especially to my sensitive nine year old and compassionate fourteen year old that watched me struggle with my cancer and helped take care of me and the four year old while husband that I love had to work for several months in the summer.) We still had games, movies and toys from previous years and most importantly, each other. The children were understanding to this news. We explained they would probably each get one small gift as well as their traditional Christmas Eve pajamas. (Every year on Christmas Eve, we all open a gift of brand new pajamas and wear them.) Husband that I love and I were perfectly content to go without new pajamas this time. The stress of owning something new that we couldn't afford would have been overwhelming. We also told the children that we would buy them some special things in February or March when our tax refund came. Once again, they were understanding to our family's financial situation.
Christmas appeared to be on hold until a small miracle came in the mail on the 23rd of December last year. It was a Walmart giftcard in the amount of $200.00. I think I cried when I opened it. I do remember making the announcement and telling the kids that dad and I were able to go Christmas shopping. All three kids's faces lit up with anticipation and wonder. I smiled knowing that now I could make their Christmas a little happier. The despair that a parent feels for not being able to provide Christmas cheer is a devastating feeling. I made a quick and heartwarming phone call thanking the person that sent the card and then husband that I love and I headed to the store for last minute Christmas shopping. We carefully spent the giftcard on the joys of our lives. In the end, the gifts were unwrapped and enjoyed and there was a true love of appreciation and sacrifice in the air. We thanked the Lord for the kindness of others and counted the many blessings that we truly had.
This year, I thought I'd get ahead of the Christmas season by shopping early. In October, I went to Kmart. I would have liked to have gone somewhere different but Kmart is the one place in my town that offers Lay-a-way. This is the only way that we could afford to have Christmas this year. The kids didn't seem to want much even when I asked. They have seen our struggles this year and although they don't stress about paying bills and finding the money for necessities, the older two children are aware that the stress exists. Once again, poverty is a terrible feeling that effects the emotional soul as well as the physical well being of a person. I was bound and determined to have some things for the children for Christmas this year because the kids did not deserve to go without. So I started shopping early and was able to find several things that the boys would enjoy in layaway. The nice thing was that I had eight weeks to pay it off with cash and could feel good about not accumulating debt or having kid 1,2 and 3 go without any gifts.
I went to Kmart last night and took our layaway out. We hid the gifts in our closet and have the satisfaction of knowing this Christmas we will not be going without either.
11.19.2009
11.03.2009
Internet or Not?
We cut back on all extra expenses. The two cell phones we had were cancelled. We have a landline only. It's okay. Although I sometimes wonder why we have even that since all of the callers are toll free and bill collectors that we don't answer anyway. We had basic cable. It wan't very expensive but somehow that $20 a month could go towards other things like rent, heat and electricity. So we got rid of it and now we borrow DVDs from the local library or when we splurge, we rent older DVDs from the local media store for 99 cents a week. We are led to believe that these things are must haves. My kids do fine without the tv.
We tried cutting back and not having the Internet. Believe it or not, that was the biggest mistake. We now consider it a necessity. We couldn't look for jobs, check our emails, email our resumes and inquire about employment. We did go to the local library and waited in line to use their slow processors for up to 60 minutes at a time. By the time we spent the gas money going back and forth sometimes up to three times in one day, we realized that the $40 was a necessary expense since we could search for much needed employment and more at 2 am if we needed to. Did I mention I am an insomniac?
We tried cutting back and not having the Internet. Believe it or not, that was the biggest mistake. We now consider it a necessity. We couldn't look for jobs, check our emails, email our resumes and inquire about employment. We did go to the local library and waited in line to use their slow processors for up to 60 minutes at a time. By the time we spent the gas money going back and forth sometimes up to three times in one day, we realized that the $40 was a necessary expense since we could search for much needed employment and more at 2 am if we needed to. Did I mention I am an insomniac?
Just Say No...
There was a glitch in the welfare system two days ago. We didn't receive our benefits. Since it was a Sunday, we couldn't call about it until yesterday. When husband that I love called, he talked to someone that told him that our paperwork had been processed wrong. We would have to wait another doy or so for the benefits to show up. I am okay with this.
We also had problems accessing our EBT card on the automated website. When husband that I love talked to that same customer service agent, she referred him to a different number. He called that number and ended up talking to a man with a thick non-English accent. This man was hard to understand and knew nothing about the automated system in America. He was less than helpful and referred husband that I love back to the original cusomer service agent that he had originally called. I am not okay with this.
These jobs that are sent across the seas could actually be jobs that American citizens have and might actually keep us off of welfare...we don't want to be on it, but we have to feed our children.
We also had problems accessing our EBT card on the automated website. When husband that I love talked to that same customer service agent, she referred him to a different number. He called that number and ended up talking to a man with a thick non-English accent. This man was hard to understand and knew nothing about the automated system in America. He was less than helpful and referred husband that I love back to the original cusomer service agent that he had originally called. I am not okay with this.
These jobs that are sent across the seas could actually be jobs that American citizens have and might actually keep us off of welfare...we don't want to be on it, but we have to feed our children.
11.02.2009
Scholarships
There is no money for anything that is not necessary. Kid 1 and 2 know this and Kid 3 is still learning. It's one of the reasons we steer clear of stores - to avoid the "Can I have a treat?" syndrome. There's never the intention to ask for something or splurge on something not needed. Not only is it a hard concept for a young child to learn, but it's an uneasy feeling as a mother to know that as much as I want to, I can't just buy them each the world.
Kid 1 is an amazing teenager. Good in every way. Kid 1 loves scouting more than life! He wanted to attend a week long youth leadership program that cost $175. He didn't want to ask. We knew it was coming up. We also knew that he really needed and deserved to go. We found out that the Boy Scouts of America offered a hardship scholarship for half of the camp payment. I wrote a letter explaining our circumstances and two weeks later we heard back that he received the scholarship. We scrounged up the money and paid the other half. Kid 1 had an amazing time at camp and when the event was over, wrote a thank you note to those that sponsored his scholarship.
Kid 1 is an amazing teenager. Good in every way. Kid 1 loves scouting more than life! He wanted to attend a week long youth leadership program that cost $175. He didn't want to ask. We knew it was coming up. We also knew that he really needed and deserved to go. We found out that the Boy Scouts of America offered a hardship scholarship for half of the camp payment. I wrote a letter explaining our circumstances and two weeks later we heard back that he received the scholarship. We scrounged up the money and paid the other half. Kid 1 had an amazing time at camp and when the event was over, wrote a thank you note to those that sponsored his scholarship.
Haircut vs. Shoes
I haven't had my haircut since May. Somehow a $17 haircut seems expensive and an unnecessary expense. I use Pantene shampoo and some cute clips that I already own here and there. I can get by. Besides, Kid 1 needs new shoes. When will he stop growing?
Applying for Unemployment
We somehow made it through January and February. I left a job in December that didn't pay anything and offered me no hours. (Who works for minimum wage with a title of Office Manager and works less than 10 hours a week?) Husband that I love was working in the school district and I was actively looking for employment. I stress the word "actively" because I sucked up my pride and went to the JobService building and other employment agencies looking for just about anything. I applied at retail kiosks, medical offices, and anything that I could find in the paper. The problem was that there was nothing listed. There was still a hiring freeze as well as a slow beginning for the first quarter of 2009. I also became involved in an online Work From Home scam and lost $200. (I'll write about that later.)
An opportunity finally presented itself and out of desperation, I took it. Notice that I used the word DESPERATION. The job was one that I was well qualified for but required extreme flexibility and working over 40 hours a week. Not exactly what I was looking for BUT it paid well, offered benefits and appeared to be something I could do at least until husband that I love got through school. There was no way that I could turn down 33K a year. We were going to have to make it work...
Although the job was a permanent position, I live in an "at-will state". This means that employees or employers can hire, fire or layoff without any given reason or time frame. The job was hectic. I worked well with all parties and made the best of it. I juggled my family the best that I could around this job often leaving before my kids woke up and arriving home sometime between 6 and 9 pm. The only solace I found was in the fact that husband that I love's job was sporadic so Kid 3 did not have to be in childcare and a family lived near by that could take Kid 3 at the last minute if needed. Kid 1 and 2 understood the sacrifices that were being mad and even though it was rough, they were real troopers and helped wherever needed.
And then I received a phone call from an assistant that "things were not working out". No warning, no anything. When I attempted to plead my case, I realized that this was a done decision. Thirty minutes of trying to fight for my job were never going to get me anywhere. I was devestated. I liked my job, did it well, according to those that I worked with, and on top of that, had never been fired before. I sat on the floor of the bathroom and sobbed. The stabilty that we so desperately needed and had for 3 weeks was yanked away from us.
I can't even begin to describe the physical pain that actually comes from feeling like I failed. It is a real physical pain. I sunk into a depression that probably should have been treated. I attempted to put on a happy face and told people when they asked that "I was laid off". The reason I gave was "that I just wasn't needed". I wasn't really lying. The pain of feeling like I failed was too great to share with anyone except for husband that I love and my parents.
A couple of hours later, I picked myself up off the floor and called unemployment. I talked to a very helpful person that took the details of my case seriously and reassured me that "it appeared" I had done nothing wrong. My reason for termination was labled "poor job fit". I couldn't agree more. The emotional thoughts that I had failed or was at fault were slowly starting to subside. (Little did I know that this process would actually take months to recover from.)
We waited for over two weeks to find out that my unemployment case was accepted. At least we had a little bit of money coming in to help pay a bill and our rent and supplement the one check a month that husband that I love was receiving from substitute teaching.
So once again I was back to daily job hunting. At least I saw my children and could tuck them in at night.
It is also safe to say that sometimes faith is a hard thing to have when all of the right efforts are being made to better our life and the results feel like we are still sinking in quicksand. The result from this whole traumatic event is that God is always there and that losing my job was a hidden blessing that we were still able to benefit from in a small financial way.
An opportunity finally presented itself and out of desperation, I took it. Notice that I used the word DESPERATION. The job was one that I was well qualified for but required extreme flexibility and working over 40 hours a week. Not exactly what I was looking for BUT it paid well, offered benefits and appeared to be something I could do at least until husband that I love got through school. There was no way that I could turn down 33K a year. We were going to have to make it work...
Although the job was a permanent position, I live in an "at-will state". This means that employees or employers can hire, fire or layoff without any given reason or time frame. The job was hectic. I worked well with all parties and made the best of it. I juggled my family the best that I could around this job often leaving before my kids woke up and arriving home sometime between 6 and 9 pm. The only solace I found was in the fact that husband that I love's job was sporadic so Kid 3 did not have to be in childcare and a family lived near by that could take Kid 3 at the last minute if needed. Kid 1 and 2 understood the sacrifices that were being mad and even though it was rough, they were real troopers and helped wherever needed.
And then I received a phone call from an assistant that "things were not working out". No warning, no anything. When I attempted to plead my case, I realized that this was a done decision. Thirty minutes of trying to fight for my job were never going to get me anywhere. I was devestated. I liked my job, did it well, according to those that I worked with, and on top of that, had never been fired before. I sat on the floor of the bathroom and sobbed. The stabilty that we so desperately needed and had for 3 weeks was yanked away from us.
I can't even begin to describe the physical pain that actually comes from feeling like I failed. It is a real physical pain. I sunk into a depression that probably should have been treated. I attempted to put on a happy face and told people when they asked that "I was laid off". The reason I gave was "that I just wasn't needed". I wasn't really lying. The pain of feeling like I failed was too great to share with anyone except for husband that I love and my parents.
A couple of hours later, I picked myself up off the floor and called unemployment. I talked to a very helpful person that took the details of my case seriously and reassured me that "it appeared" I had done nothing wrong. My reason for termination was labled "poor job fit". I couldn't agree more. The emotional thoughts that I had failed or was at fault were slowly starting to subside. (Little did I know that this process would actually take months to recover from.)
We waited for over two weeks to find out that my unemployment case was accepted. At least we had a little bit of money coming in to help pay a bill and our rent and supplement the one check a month that husband that I love was receiving from substitute teaching.
So once again I was back to daily job hunting. At least I saw my children and could tuck them in at night.
It is also safe to say that sometimes faith is a hard thing to have when all of the right efforts are being made to better our life and the results feel like we are still sinking in quicksand. The result from this whole traumatic event is that God is always there and that losing my job was a hidden blessing that we were still able to benefit from in a small financial way.
Passing Judgement
Mine is not the place to criticize, question or judge others. I know perfectly well how that feels. I have seen it on many levels. Friends that look the part of middle class society, yet, they struggle making a house payment. I also know people that are extremely frugal and probably don't have the newest clothes or technology but they live within their means.
It is what I am learning to do the hard way; living within my means, that is.
Also, people say things that they don't mean. Often, we say things and don't realize that there are real personal struggles going on that we had no idea existed - and this relates to all areas of life including financial, medical, personal, etc. This is one of the reasons that I chose to "withdrawl from society". It is much easier to not go to a Pampered Chef party than it is 1) answer questions like, "So, how's the job search going?" and listening to comments like, "Hang in there. Something's bound to come along." and 2) I had $10 in my pocket. I needed toilet paper and toothpaste more than the cute scrubby thing that would make kitchen clean up much easier.
It is what I am learning to do the hard way; living within my means, that is.
Also, people say things that they don't mean. Often, we say things and don't realize that there are real personal struggles going on that we had no idea existed - and this relates to all areas of life including financial, medical, personal, etc. This is one of the reasons that I chose to "withdrawl from society". It is much easier to not go to a Pampered Chef party than it is 1) answer questions like, "So, how's the job search going?" and listening to comments like, "Hang in there. Something's bound to come along." and 2) I had $10 in my pocket. I needed toilet paper and toothpaste more than the cute scrubby thing that would make kitchen clean up much easier.
Shopping
I walked into the store one day last spring. Three pairs of jeans that I had were all wearing out. All right, let me be honest, the seams were ripping! I knew I could get a pair for about $15.
I hate shopping.
Consumers are suckers.
We are told:
We NEED this!
These accessories MAKE the person!
Buy one get one 1/2 price!
Act now!
Blah, Blah, Blah. With my blinders on, I walked over to the jeans, picked out a pair in my size and was thrilled to find that they were on sale. I didn't buy two pair. I got by with the one pair that originally went in to get. I saved the $4 and gave it to husband that I love. The sole of his shoe is wearing through and he needs a new pair of shoes.
And I have a really hard time feeling sorry for consumers that buy, buy, buy on credit and then file for bankruptcy. I know someone that did this. It's wrong and unethical. I would love to have enough money, in my hand, to physically buy what my family needed.
I imagine that the feeling of not using credit and knowing that what I bought was free and clear would be an amazing thing!
And this is what I do: provide what I can, when I can with what I have. I had $15 and bought a pair of jeans for $11. The leftover $4 went to my husband that I love's shoes. A simple story problem that Kid 2 probably had in math this year.
I hear that Credit Card companies are now needing a bailout. Hmm, wonder why?
I hate shopping.
Consumers are suckers.
We are told:
We NEED this!
These accessories MAKE the person!
Buy one get one 1/2 price!
Act now!
Blah, Blah, Blah. With my blinders on, I walked over to the jeans, picked out a pair in my size and was thrilled to find that they were on sale. I didn't buy two pair. I got by with the one pair that originally went in to get. I saved the $4 and gave it to husband that I love. The sole of his shoe is wearing through and he needs a new pair of shoes.
And I have a really hard time feeling sorry for consumers that buy, buy, buy on credit and then file for bankruptcy. I know someone that did this. It's wrong and unethical. I would love to have enough money, in my hand, to physically buy what my family needed.
I imagine that the feeling of not using credit and knowing that what I bought was free and clear would be an amazing thing!
And this is what I do: provide what I can, when I can with what I have. I had $15 and bought a pair of jeans for $11. The leftover $4 went to my husband that I love's shoes. A simple story problem that Kid 2 probably had in math this year.
I hear that Credit Card companies are now needing a bailout. Hmm, wonder why?
The Phone Calls
We have caller ID and don't answer half of the callers that call. Everytime I talked to a bill collector, they were somewhat degrading, demanding and even threatening. I got tired of explaining my situation: unemployment, illness, and living on $600 a month.
The ridiculous part of the conversation is when the collector says, "Well, you are accruing interest until this is paid off." I shake my head and wonder, "Really? You think this will help my situation? What planet do you come from? I just got done telling you that I have nothing."
And then I hang up, knowing that they will call back in several days. We won't be answering the phone.
How does it make any sense to charge such high interest on a bill? Even if I got a job tomorrow, I would still have to pay things off slowly; basically I'd be paying off the interest for the past two years before I even got to the original amount of the original debt.
How is it that the government is TRILLIONS of dollars in debt and still functioning?
I think I hate money.
The ridiculous part of the conversation is when the collector says, "Well, you are accruing interest until this is paid off." I shake my head and wonder, "Really? You think this will help my situation? What planet do you come from? I just got done telling you that I have nothing."
And then I hang up, knowing that they will call back in several days. We won't be answering the phone.
How does it make any sense to charge such high interest on a bill? Even if I got a job tomorrow, I would still have to pay things off slowly; basically I'd be paying off the interest for the past two years before I even got to the original amount of the original debt.
How is it that the government is TRILLIONS of dollars in debt and still functioning?
I think I hate money.
There are people in our lives that come and go. In mine, I have about 143. I discovered Facebook last November after our move. At first I thought it was ludicrous to be a part of social networking and then I gave it a try. It was wonderful. I reconnected with people that I hadn't talked to in years. My move was a scary and lonely thing. But Facebook made me feel not so alone. I reconnected with my best girlfriends in the east. The ones that I spent 10 years with. We raised our children together, attended each other's baby showers, babysat each other's kids and spent our days laughing, crying, screaming and thoroughly enjoying raising our little village together; there's 19 kids between us.
Facebook also opened my eyes to just how successful others were. I was suprised by some of the lives that others I knew have lived. I didn't realize so many were world travelers, owned such amazing homes and had such lucrative careers. "Thou shalt not covet" races through my head when I see the postings of certain people because I just need enough money to buy some school clothes for Kid 1. He's growing again.
For the most part though, my friends are in a similar spot to us; they've got the maxed out credit cards, a lot of debt, the older cars, a roof over their heads that isn't their dream home and a career in something completely different than they went to college for but can't make a change because truthfully, any job is a good job. The alternative is where we still are - working ourselves out of unemployment.
Facebook also opened my eyes to just how successful others were. I was suprised by some of the lives that others I knew have lived. I didn't realize so many were world travelers, owned such amazing homes and had such lucrative careers. "Thou shalt not covet" races through my head when I see the postings of certain people because I just need enough money to buy some school clothes for Kid 1. He's growing again.
For the most part though, my friends are in a similar spot to us; they've got the maxed out credit cards, a lot of debt, the older cars, a roof over their heads that isn't their dream home and a career in something completely different than they went to college for but can't make a change because truthfully, any job is a good job. The alternative is where we still are - working ourselves out of unemployment.
Finally, A Plan...
Husband that I love has found his calling in life. We both wish that it hadn't taken so long to figure this out, but in the ultimate scheme of things, God has a plan. He has been substitute teaching on and off since January. His degree in English and desire to be a writer also helps fuel his enjoyment of teaching teenagers. So he began researching becoming a high school English teacher in this area and figured out that he needed about 6 college classes to get his teaching certificate. Husband that I love enrolled in school in May and was accepted into the Fall semester. This seems all fine and dandy except that since he is not a "traditional" student and already has a degree, he doesn't qualify for student loans- which we were hoping to use to help us live. Luckily, we had several months to save up for the $650.00 tuition that was due in September. He is also only taking two classes at a time. He will be taking two more in January and the last two over the summer. As much as this has drawn everything out over a larger time frame that we anticipated, we do what we can afford. And say our prayers.
On a side note, I am proud of husband that I love. Things are hard, but the blood of his pioneer ancestors runs through him. We are a different generation with different trials but we have the same desires; to raise a family and have the strength to keep on moving on...
On a side note, I am proud of husband that I love. Things are hard, but the blood of his pioneer ancestors runs through him. We are a different generation with different trials but we have the same desires; to raise a family and have the strength to keep on moving on...
If I had $1,000,000
I write this post as a drool over the wish list in my head. I get paid today and the money is all spoken for. As much as I wish I could pay everyone I owe something, I've had to pick and choose. Today, it's the phone bill and car payment. Hopefully I'll have an extra $20 to put down on the layaway that I have at Kmart. (It's the only way I can afford Christmas this year.)
So, like the Bare Naked Ladies sing...If I Had a Million Dollars...
I would pay my tithing and fast offerings.
I'd pay off all my debt and invest with a financial advisor.
I'd buy a house under $200,000 with cash so I'd never have a housepayment.
I'd replace our vehicles with new ones and once again, have no car payment.
I'd love to travel to Germany and retrace the steps of my ancestors. I am a genealogist and want to explore my roots in depth, not just from the books I've read and the research I've done.
I would update our desktop computer and buy a laptop for myself and husband that I love. We are writers and need the independence of writing when we think of things. Besides, kids 1 and 2 are always on the desktop for school projects.
I'd take my family to Hawaii. We planned a family vacation but my illness took over so we never went.
So, like the Bare Naked Ladies sing...If I Had a Million Dollars...
I would pay my tithing and fast offerings.
I'd pay off all my debt and invest with a financial advisor.
I'd buy a house under $200,000 with cash so I'd never have a housepayment.
I'd replace our vehicles with new ones and once again, have no car payment.
I'd love to travel to Germany and retrace the steps of my ancestors. I am a genealogist and want to explore my roots in depth, not just from the books I've read and the research I've done.
I would update our desktop computer and buy a laptop for myself and husband that I love. We are writers and need the independence of writing when we think of things. Besides, kids 1 and 2 are always on the desktop for school projects.
I'd take my family to Hawaii. We planned a family vacation but my illness took over so we never went.
11.01.2009
Christmas 2008
It took a couple of weeks for my husband that I love to get registered with various job services and state agencies. He went to training meetings on building networks, creating resumes, being a good employee, yada, yada, yada. It all felt mundane and applied to others. Not us. All we needed was a job. Something to bring in some income until we could make a better plan. The job never came. The country's unemployment rate was hitting an all time high. Job freezes were nationwide. Stimulus packages were being created to bailout the auto companies and other organizations. This didn't help us at all.
Emotions were raw and close to the surface that whole month. In the back of my head were thoughts of failure and inadequecy and a lot of "What were we thinking?". I found it simply easy to withdrawl and become invisible. It was easy to stay at home. No one asked questions. No one saw the tears. I wanted to think it was the high levels of hormone meds I'd been on, but I knew the truth. Deep down inside, things felt hopeless.
We took a spontaneous trip with enough money to get us there and back in our pocket. We went to visit husband that love's sister for a weekend. We left to find solace and the Spirit of Christmas somewhere else. We visited a religious site decorated in lights. The fresh snow and peace and quiet seemed to restore my soul, temporarily anyway. Our children loved the time with cousins and seeing the lights in the big downtown display. They felt things and experienced things that I can never put into words. It was a reassuring thing to not feel alone or abandoned by God. We were somehow on the right track. I think.
Luckily, I still had my part time job. Because it was a business just starting out, I wasn't paid regularly. I finally got up the nerve to ask for my paycheck four days before Christmas. We paid a couple of bills and had a little bit left to buy our children a few gifts. A card arrived in the mail from my parents with a note attached:
"We didn't spend as much as we thought we would on Christmas this year because of sales, discounts, etc. Please use this giftcard for whatever you need. Love. Mom and Dad."
Husband that I love and I went to Walmart and spent the giftcard on kids 1, 2 and 3. Our children had a nice Christmas morning. We were adults and could go without. We did go without presents and material things, but we had the most important gifts in the world right under one roof.
We had each other.
We had a warm home, electricity, food on the table and our health.
All of these blessings from God were never unappreciated.
Having nothing helped us realize that in all actuality, we really had everything.
I can sum it all up in one of my favorite phrases:
To The World You May Be One Person But To One Person You May Be The World
Husband that I love, Kid 1,2 and 3 are my world...
Emotions were raw and close to the surface that whole month. In the back of my head were thoughts of failure and inadequecy and a lot of "What were we thinking?". I found it simply easy to withdrawl and become invisible. It was easy to stay at home. No one asked questions. No one saw the tears. I wanted to think it was the high levels of hormone meds I'd been on, but I knew the truth. Deep down inside, things felt hopeless.
We took a spontaneous trip with enough money to get us there and back in our pocket. We went to visit husband that love's sister for a weekend. We left to find solace and the Spirit of Christmas somewhere else. We visited a religious site decorated in lights. The fresh snow and peace and quiet seemed to restore my soul, temporarily anyway. Our children loved the time with cousins and seeing the lights in the big downtown display. They felt things and experienced things that I can never put into words. It was a reassuring thing to not feel alone or abandoned by God. We were somehow on the right track. I think.
Luckily, I still had my part time job. Because it was a business just starting out, I wasn't paid regularly. I finally got up the nerve to ask for my paycheck four days before Christmas. We paid a couple of bills and had a little bit left to buy our children a few gifts. A card arrived in the mail from my parents with a note attached:
"We didn't spend as much as we thought we would on Christmas this year because of sales, discounts, etc. Please use this giftcard for whatever you need. Love. Mom and Dad."
Husband that I love and I went to Walmart and spent the giftcard on kids 1, 2 and 3. Our children had a nice Christmas morning. We were adults and could go without. We did go without presents and material things, but we had the most important gifts in the world right under one roof.
We had each other.
We had a warm home, electricity, food on the table and our health.
All of these blessings from God were never unappreciated.
Having nothing helped us realize that in all actuality, we really had everything.
I can sum it all up in one of my favorite phrases:
To The World You May Be One Person But To One Person You May Be The World
Husband that I love, Kid 1,2 and 3 are my world...
The Kindness of Others
We have had to rely on the kindness of others. Our landlords are extremely charitable. They were the ones that said that their home was available for us to rent should we decide to move. At the time, it felt right to make that move. I can honestly say that it was the right thing to do. This move has saved our family in many ways. It has also created different kind of trials for husband that I love and me to endure.
We lived rent free for two months. Not because we wanted to or that was the original arrangement, but because the part time job that I came to turned out to be less hours than originally discussed and the owner of the business was new and clueless. I guess one could say it was "a poor job fit".
I never even heard from 18 other jobs I applied for.
We lived rent free for two months. Not because we wanted to or that was the original arrangement, but because the part time job that I came to turned out to be less hours than originally discussed and the owner of the business was new and clueless. I guess one could say it was "a poor job fit".
I never even heard from 18 other jobs I applied for.
Applying for Assistance
Applying for assitance from the government feels wrong. I'm not sure why though. I am a good citizen. Never in trouble with the law. I pay my taxes. I have always worked when work was available. I teach my children to be patriotic and I cried for months after 9/11.
I do however realize that my children have to eat. We filled out the required 10 pages of paperwork, supplied our bank statements, social security cards, proper identification and more.When we went to the agency for our appointment, they were very kind. I somehow did not feel belittled in anyway. We explained that we had recently moved across the stateline. Sadly, I might have been able to have my past medical bills paid except that we were living in one state and I was receiving treatment in another. I later cried that night. Sometimes hindsight is a terrible thing to see. And I could have had some help with the mountain of medical bills that sat on the shelf in my closet. 25K and daily interest. Lovely. Needless to say, because we had nothing, we were able to receive medical coverage and put square meals on our table at night.
There seems to be a degrading connotation that goes with having no money. If one is on food assistance or medicaid it's because:
they are lazy
they are uneducated
there is a physical or mental ailment that prevents them from functioning normally
they live in squalor
they don't want to get off of assistance
they have problems with drugs or alcohol
they have babies so they can stay in "the system"
they live in downtrodden homes and neighborhoods
there is abuse in their homes: physical, emotional, substance and more
Granted, the above does describe some of the citizens of America. But, decent, hardworking, home owning and college educated people do lose their jobs. They do get sick. They do have children that have dreams of becoming history teachers and doctors. They love their children with a never ending, bottomless pit kind of love that they feel only God can relate to. They make changes to better their lives and the lives of their families by making changes in their careers especially when their sanity depends on it.
These people cry tears behind closed doors that can fill a swimming pool.
I know. If I owned a yard for that pool, my pool would be 12 feet deep and large enough for a neighborhood pool party.
I was the one that got sick. I have one child that dreams of becoming a history teacher and another that wants to be a doctor. Husband that I love was college educated and dying inside from a career that was heading nowhere. It was a painful thing to see my spouse inundated with feelings of terrible self worth and not being able to overcome thoughts of never being good enough. I was the one that loved my family so passionately that I knew changes needed to happen if we were to be a minority in the world: a married, intact family unit.
So here we sat in the welfare office witha kind and patient case worker. All five of us in clean clothing and my children were well mannered and old enough to know that we were poor. We swallowed any pride we had so that our children could go to the doctor and eat. We were approved for six months or until our circumstances changed.
We got our EBT card and went grocery shopping. It felt like Christmas morning.
I do however realize that my children have to eat. We filled out the required 10 pages of paperwork, supplied our bank statements, social security cards, proper identification and more.When we went to the agency for our appointment, they were very kind. I somehow did not feel belittled in anyway. We explained that we had recently moved across the stateline. Sadly, I might have been able to have my past medical bills paid except that we were living in one state and I was receiving treatment in another. I later cried that night. Sometimes hindsight is a terrible thing to see. And I could have had some help with the mountain of medical bills that sat on the shelf in my closet. 25K and daily interest. Lovely. Needless to say, because we had nothing, we were able to receive medical coverage and put square meals on our table at night.
There seems to be a degrading connotation that goes with having no money. If one is on food assistance or medicaid it's because:
they are lazy
they are uneducated
there is a physical or mental ailment that prevents them from functioning normally
they live in squalor
they don't want to get off of assistance
they have problems with drugs or alcohol
they have babies so they can stay in "the system"
they live in downtrodden homes and neighborhoods
there is abuse in their homes: physical, emotional, substance and more
Granted, the above does describe some of the citizens of America. But, decent, hardworking, home owning and college educated people do lose their jobs. They do get sick. They do have children that have dreams of becoming history teachers and doctors. They love their children with a never ending, bottomless pit kind of love that they feel only God can relate to. They make changes to better their lives and the lives of their families by making changes in their careers especially when their sanity depends on it.
These people cry tears behind closed doors that can fill a swimming pool.
I know. If I owned a yard for that pool, my pool would be 12 feet deep and large enough for a neighborhood pool party.
I was the one that got sick. I have one child that dreams of becoming a history teacher and another that wants to be a doctor. Husband that I love was college educated and dying inside from a career that was heading nowhere. It was a painful thing to see my spouse inundated with feelings of terrible self worth and not being able to overcome thoughts of never being good enough. I was the one that loved my family so passionately that I knew changes needed to happen if we were to be a minority in the world: a married, intact family unit.
So here we sat in the welfare office witha kind and patient case worker. All five of us in clean clothing and my children were well mannered and old enough to know that we were poor. We swallowed any pride we had so that our children could go to the doctor and eat. We were approved for six months or until our circumstances changed.
We got our EBT card and went grocery shopping. It felt like Christmas morning.
Dear US Government
2008 was a hard year for us. I was diagnosed with cancer in May of that year at a routine doctor appointment where I was hoping to be told that I could have surgery for my endometriosis and try for one more baby. God had a different plan. I went through the surgery, low iodine diet and R131 treatment while working fulltime, raising three kids, helping out as a cub scout den mother and church. A roller coaster like no other. As hard as things were, I was never alone. My husband that I love worked fulltime and an opposite schedule from me. We did this on purpose for three years so that our children were never without a parent at home or placed in daycare. It saved us money and helped build that foundation that our kids needed; to know that they are loved and that they come first. But living like this began to take a toll on our marriage. I never saw my husband that I love.
My husband that I love had a job that would take him nowhere. He knew it. I knew it. As hard as it was to leave the state we knew that there was something better around the corner. We moved the weekend that the world of employment froze and stood still. October 2008 when the Auto Industry began to dissolve and requested money for a bailout. So did the Banking Industry and the Insurance Industry.
We took our savings and moved across the stateline to a less expensive city with a larger population. There were bound to be opportunities around the corner. At least I knew that I had a part time job waiting for me. We could get by for a couple of months.
Dear US Government,
I am in need of a bailout. I'm not in the auto industry but I do own two vehicles. Could you send and extra 50K my way? My cancer bills have piled up, my $400 utility bill is due and kids 1,2 and 3 need winter clothes. I could also pay off my van and buy a house with a downpayment. We've never owned a home before. I wonder what it feels like. I promise I will use it to better the lives of my husband and children that will grow up to be productive members of society. We have fallen on hard times and just need an extra boost to keep our family afloat.
Sincerely,
Penny
My husband that I love had a job that would take him nowhere. He knew it. I knew it. As hard as it was to leave the state we knew that there was something better around the corner. We moved the weekend that the world of employment froze and stood still. October 2008 when the Auto Industry began to dissolve and requested money for a bailout. So did the Banking Industry and the Insurance Industry.
We took our savings and moved across the stateline to a less expensive city with a larger population. There were bound to be opportunities around the corner. At least I knew that I had a part time job waiting for me. We could get by for a couple of months.
Dear US Government,
I am in need of a bailout. I'm not in the auto industry but I do own two vehicles. Could you send and extra 50K my way? My cancer bills have piled up, my $400 utility bill is due and kids 1,2 and 3 need winter clothes. I could also pay off my van and buy a house with a downpayment. We've never owned a home before. I wonder what it feels like. I promise I will use it to better the lives of my husband and children that will grow up to be productive members of society. We have fallen on hard times and just need an extra boost to keep our family afloat.
Sincerely,
Penny
Why Blog?
I'm not sure. All of the thoughts that invaded my head this morning at 4 am are slowly dissipating. I am hoping they will return as I start to write. This isn't really a blog to offer advice or even make others feel sorry for me. Mostly I think it's to record an awareness that there are ways to handle poverty in a way that is not so demeaning and negative. I know that we are not alone. My story is also not one of no way out. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It's just a really long tunnel.
Appearances Can Be Deceiving...
I am not sure why I am writing this.
Maybe it's therapeutic.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Maybe I feel the need to validate and justify my way of life.
The bottom line...I know I'm not alone. I am aware of others around me that live like I do; paycheck to paycheck, drowning in unpaid debt and praying for a miracle bonus to pay a bill or a new pair of pants for Kid3. I am not living a lie, but I'm great at hiding the pain of living in poverty under the disguise of a middle class world.
Maybe it's therapeutic.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Maybe I feel the need to validate and justify my way of life.
The bottom line...I know I'm not alone. I am aware of others around me that live like I do; paycheck to paycheck, drowning in unpaid debt and praying for a miracle bonus to pay a bill or a new pair of pants for Kid3. I am not living a lie, but I'm great at hiding the pain of living in poverty under the disguise of a middle class world.
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